What if I screw this up?
or what most of us think on a regular basis
I had a conversation with a family member recently that I thought you would appreciate. They were looking kind of lost so, of course, I asked if they were OK. We sat and chatted for a while about technical things and other specifics. I thought we were good until they looked me square in the eye and said “I just don’t want to screw this up”.
Welcome. I don’t know about all of you, but I have this thought on a regular basis. I mean, I KNOW I’m going to screw things up. THAT happens almost daily. I’m talking about the deep-seated, completely f-it-up beyond-all-recognition terror that can rob us of what we’re doing right RIGHT NOW. Let’s review a few of those (just in case you still think you’re a total dementia failure today).
You and your loved one are safe. This is really the most important in my mind. Safety is always #1. If you have this you are doing great!
You have food at home and eat regularly. This sounds silly, but I’ve had residents and patients who weren’t. Caregivers who were too busy and focused on their loved one to feed themselves. Patients and residents who were still living on their own and didn’t notice that the fridge was empty or what’s there had gone bad. Having food and eating at least 2 meals a day is a win (even if it’s a run through the drive-thru).
You have a place to stay. It may not be perfect. It may not be as clean as you’d like, but the authorities haven’t come to condemn it so we’re good. Cut yourself some slack on the cleaning. The dust will be there later. If you need, hire someone to come help. This is an easy one to farm out if it’s bugging you.
You have access to some form of medical care. Is it perfect, probably not but at least you have someone who can help when needed. One of the few good things that came out of the pandemic is that we can have virtual appointments. Yay for the days your loved one refuses to do ANYTHING.
You are still in the game and fighting the good fight. It might surprise you, but PLENTY of families drop their loved one off at a memory or long-term care community and never come back to see them. While you may have this thought at times, you haven’t abandoned them. Even if you have selected a memory care community, you’re still involved- you still care. THIS ALONE is a huge win. You still want what’s best even if it’s not everything you can do right now.
See? You’re doing great! You are amazing! Are you screwing things up? Probably, but who cares? You’re taking care of the biggest things and that’s what counts. Don’t let the little flub-ups derail your whole awesome train. You are great. You are doing the best possible job. OWN THAT and not the mistakes along the way. That’s how we survive is by focusing on what we learn along the way, not what we f-up in the now.
Own your awesomeness!